The Pit is where I am residing at the moment.

I feel in such a state of despair that I am beginning to doubt myself, my feelings, in fact I am beginning to doubt everything.

Following my last post I went to work away. I was away for 8 days and worked the grand sum of 120 hours, needless to say I finished that week absolutely shattered. While I was away I spoke to my wife every day, morning and night and normality seemed to prevail. The only gripe being the hours I was working and the time spent away from home.

The only time the subject of me being Transgender came was when my Wife told me she had been to see the Doctor. We share the same Doctor, so she knew what my Wife would be going through. It was not mentioned again.

When I arrived home, again normality prevailed and the atmosphere although not uncomfortable, was quiet. Wednesday was even quieter, and my Wife left for work while I took a rest day. That evening it started, not in a shouty way but accusations of me being selfish and unreasonable were made, as was the accusation that I had dropped my bombshell deliberately just before going of to work away. I also had every answer that I had given her twisted round and thrown back at me.

The following day we went back to being quiet and avoiding the elephant. (The Pendulum). And thus has it been since.

With the lack of conversation I do now find myself wondering If I am indeed being selfish and unreasonable, (a question I have asked on a Forum I am a member of), and despite positive replies, I just can’t shake the feelings that I am in the wrong and should maybe give up this “daft notion” of becoming the real me just to keep everybody else happy.

Now, about a month ago I got a call from the Doc about my white cell count being up. She referred me to Vampires, and off I duly trotted for another round of blood tests. Come back in three weeks they said. So I did, today. The results? No apparent infection and the white counts still way up. So the Vampire packs me straight off for a chest X-Ray, (probably on the basis of my (present) ridiculously high tobacco usage (still between two and three packs a day)), books me for an ultrasound and tells me to come back in two months for some more blood tests and a bone marrow test.

Now for me I really don’t see a positive side to this, I think that whatever the results I’m likely to get bumped from the gender clinic, this in turn means that my depression is likely to return with attitude demanding compensation for being shunted for a brief period.

For my wife, apart from the depression returning, the above is likely to be a positive, as she gets to keep living with a “normal” human being.

If it’s serious I reckon I’ll refuse treatment and go for suicide by natural causes. I really am losing the strength to keep fighting.

Rational thought is on its way out again.