The Pit is where I am residing at the moment.
I feel in such a state of despair that I am beginning to doubt myself, my feelings, in fact I am beginning to doubt everything.
Following my last post I went to work away. I was away for 8 days and worked the grand sum of 120 hours, needless to say I finished that week absolutely shattered. While I was away I spoke to my wife every day, morning and night and normality seemed to prevail. The only gripe being the hours I was working and the time spent away from home.
The only time the subject of me being Transgender came was when my Wife told me she had been to see the Doctor. We share the same Doctor, so she knew what my Wife would be going through. It was not mentioned again.
When I arrived home, again normality prevailed and the atmosphere although not uncomfortable, was quiet. Wednesday was even quieter, and my Wife left for work while I took a rest day. That evening it started, not in a shouty way but accusations of me being selfish and unreasonable were made, as was the accusation that I had dropped my bombshell deliberately just before going of to work away. I also had every answer that I had given her twisted round and thrown back at me.
The following day we went back to being quiet and avoiding the elephant. (The Pendulum). And thus has it been since.
With the lack of conversation I do now find myself wondering If I am indeed being selfish and unreasonable, (a question I have asked on a Forum I am a member of), and despite positive replies, I just can’t shake the feelings that I am in the wrong and should maybe give up this “daft notion” of becoming the real me just to keep everybody else happy.
Now, about a month ago I got a call from the Doc about my white cell count being up. She referred me to Vampires, and off I duly trotted for another round of blood tests. Come back in three weeks they said. So I did, today. The results? No apparent infection and the white counts still way up. So the Vampire packs me straight off for a chest X-Ray, (probably on the basis of my (present) ridiculously high tobacco usage (still between two and three packs a day)), books me for an ultrasound and tells me to come back in two months for some more blood tests and a bone marrow test.
Now for me I really don’t see a positive side to this, I think that whatever the results I’m likely to get bumped from the gender clinic, this in turn means that my depression is likely to return with attitude demanding compensation for being shunted for a brief period.
For my wife, apart from the depression returning, the above is likely to be a positive, as she gets to keep living with a “normal” human being.
If it’s serious I reckon I’ll refuse treatment and go for suicide by natural causes. I really am losing the strength to keep fighting.
Rational thought is on its way out again.
RK
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Not much advice I can give you, being a cross-dresser and not transexual, but I can say this… never give up, no matter how shitty it seems. And as far as “losing the strength to keep fighting”… get it back girl!
-ValS
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Thank You So Much
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Keep writing your heart out! You are clearly clear with words, and I noticed some brilliant leaks of glowingness:
“the accusation that I had dropped my bombshell deliberately just before going [off] to work away.”
“give up this “daft notion” of becoming the real me just to keep everybody else happy”
“Rational thought is on its way out again.”
High white blood cell count? I’ve seen this related to stress. You might want to google it.
Let your voice ring out! It is the only one you’ve got 🙂
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Thank You. It’s the support and comments I receive that stop me from falling completely into despair.
RK
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Rachael it makes me sad just to read this. You have needed such strength to do what you have done in recent weeks and months, please don’t let that strength desert you. If you still haven’t been out in public yet, I think you should consider it. If transition is the path you want to tread, then you need to venture out eventually. You look great in your pics, and while I know you are a tall girl, I’m not far behind you (6’2″) and I don’t let that stop me. If you feel female, then the little moments of acceptance that you get when out shopping or going for a coffee are welcome beyond measure. I wonder if feeling a little bit of acceptance as a woman might help curb the worst of your despair right now. If you are understandably nervous, start out with your local TG support group. Mine has been such a huge help to me in terms of having friends who understand what I’m feeling.
And get off the fags. Don’t you know they’re bad for you?
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Oh, I get in that place you were when you wrote this once in a while, at least your among admirers! I wouldn’t post this if I wasn’t! I am somewhat in your high heel shoes too as I am married but continue to work being in the closet. As you know, coming out is the toughest part, but this too should soon pass and a new direction is just around the corner! Keep you chin up and continue posting your experiences, Beside good therapy, your schooling us who find you and your blog…thanks for that!
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