Alea Iacta Est……….

Tags

First Time Out, Gender Clinic, Makeup, Transgender, Transition

For once I had two  titles for a post, the one  “Alea iacta est……” or the “King is Dead, Long Live the Queen”

I chose the former to show I’m not being flippant, and taking the whole transition very seriously. 🙂

For those that don’t know, and, to save Googling, “Alea Iacta Est” (The Die is cast) is attributed to Julius Caeser prior to crossing the River Rubicon to attack Rome, though I believe the actual quote is “Iacta Alea Est” (Roll The Dice) History Lesson over.

My day… Started as a bag of nerves, as expected, not at the prospect of being Rachael in public, but as to whether I am sufficiently Transgender to avoid extended assessment. So nervous in fact that I bought a packet of cigarettes, (I know, Stupid doesn’t begin to cover it)

When I got back home my Wife was just leaving for work, so I could avoid the possible discomfort of getting ready while She was in the house. This, unfortunately only gave me forty minutes to shower, shave, blow dry my hair, (For the first ever time) dress and get to the Salon

I got to the Salon at 08:55, now I have watched YouTube on how to get in and out of a car in a skirt. Easy. Legs together, swing round and stand up. I whole heartedly recommend that you undo your seatbelt first before trying this manoeuver on your first time out, dressed with no makeup on a busy shopping street.

I believe I kept my dignity, or rather I didn’t actually luck round to see if I had lost it. And I did actually find the whole thing funny.

The makeup session was brilliant, no stress or hassle, just incredibly relaxing, and Kelly my beautician constantly building my confidence. She offered to walk me to my car afterwards but I felt so good that I walked on my own as Rachael in public, without a hint of self conciousness. (I have been so lucky so far, that the law of averages says I’m going to crash and my confidence will bomb, but until then….)

I then drove to Sheffield to clinic, not once looking to round to see if I had been read, while stopped at traffic lights or roundabouts. I found a place to park and then had to walk through the hospital grounds to the Gender clinic. I felt like I was walking femininely, although in reality I probably wasn’t. But at that point I didn’t care because I felt so confident.

I sat in the waiting area for a good twenty minutes with no trace of self consciousness, and when I was called as Rachael, (I had to sign in as Roy) another boost. (I believe it would be fair to say that by this point I could do anything, If they asked me to walk through Sheffield City Centre in a Burlesque costume I think I would have)

The therapist, straight away picked up on the confidence, And I explained that after the last appointment I was so angry thinking that I had been manipulated into moving forward faster than I was comfortable with, that I had been determined to be feminine and not androgynously female, that I actually realised I did want to be feminine and in doing so broke down some more of my self imposed restrictions. I told her I had informed my work colleagues and how supportive they were being. At which point she told me they provide assistance with this as it’s usually the most difficult part. A bit late to be telling me this I thought and yes it was difficult, but it worked out OK.

“Are you full-time?” she asked and I replied that out of consideration for my colleagues, I was going to do it gradually so they could get used to me as things changed.

“So, do you think you will be ready to go full-time by the end of the year?”

The first time I heard the following words were as they came out of my mouth, I had no indication to what they would be.

“I was actually thinking of two to three months”

We both stopped. I knew I meant it and I wasn’t just saying it to try to avoid an extended assessment.

She then asked about work again and I said that I was working closely with Senior management and my own managers to work to a timescale, whatever that would be, so there should be no issues with that either.

It wasn’t until I left that I realised that the rest of the session was talking about how I WILL deal with things at home, work socially and not WOULD (Theoretically). This makes more sense to me when she said that she would make an appointment for me to see a clinician regarding hormone therapy, again six to eight weeks. I had assumed by what I had been told that I would have two or three assessment appointments (unless it was to be extended) I would then have to wait to see if I had been approved for treatment.

I guess unofficially I have been approved, I’m trying not to get too excited because as I say I have been incredibly lucky so far and the law of averages Sods Law etc means that if this goes wrong now it’s really going to hurt. But I am allowing myself to smile.

I sat in my car afterwards for a few minutes and realised that my post of last night was right. He no longer exists. Only I exist now, and my sadness of last night has been replaced today with feelings of freedom and serenity.

The King Is Dead, Long Live The Queen.

Rachael

x

Pre-Monday Mini Update……..

Tags

Gender Clinic, Hair Style, Transition

I had my hair done today.
Done in an everyday run of the mill high street salon. The morning was, to say the least, surreal. Not in a surreal way, but in the normality of the whole thing. (Can there be such a concept as Surreal Normality? I guess there can.)
There were no hushed tones with the stylist asking me about my transition, and no embarrassment with my answers. I noticed the odd look from other clients in the mirror, and by odd I mean one or two, rather than strange. They appeared to more in interest than shock, disgust etc, etc. And there was the odd double take from the occasional passer by.
Anyway my hair has been cut and styled in a similar style to my profile pic, but with less hair at the moment, and I’m going for the same colour but in stages to allow people to get used to it.
I had to walk to nearby cash machine and didn’t get any of the expected strange looks. I then had to go to the local boots to purchase some last minute bits for Monday, and also some hair care products. (Apparently super saver shampoo, followed by non brushing and letting gale force winds naturally dry it, is not the way women look after their hair!!! Who’d have guessed?)
So at the the moment I have a (Style name unknown), with copper highlights / streaks.
I love it, and I know it will look right on Monday because it looked so completely wrong with his clothes and no make-up today.
And just to cancel out my last post, I caught a glimpse of  myself in the rear view mirror , at least I saw a good part of hair with enough of my face to see that I can do this. And that made me very happy. And that happiness could not be dented by the noncommittal bordering on negative reaction I got when I returned home.
And I treated myself to an illuminated make-up mirror, not for Monday but for me.
Anyway next installment Monday, hopefully with some new pictures 🙂
Rachael
xx

And Then I saw My Face……………

Tags

Dressing, Gender, Hairdresser

Today has been a both a good and a bad day, the good does outweigh the bad, but still…..

Having the need to be Rachael on Monday and not having suitable makeup application skills, I have as you know arranged to have my makeup done. Going into the beauticians, I had at least the moral support of my Step Daughter. Today, however I was on my own and if I was to stand any chance of getting a hair appointment it had to be done today.

Feeling more than a little nervous I approached the Salon of choice, and walked straight past.

I then turned round and headed….

Straight past again!

After mentally slapping myself a few times I went in.

Nervously I stood there and waited to be seen. I was, and I asked the question, “Is it possible to get an appointment for Saturday?”

“Of Course, what would you like doing?”

“Erm, well the thing is, and this might be a bit strange….”

The woman at this point seemed to adopt a knowing look, (or maybe I imagined it) “Whats strange?” she asked

“Well I’m Transgender and I need my hair in a more feminine style… for Monday”

Her first question threw me completely, instead of what are you looking for etc it was “What’s your name?” meaning Rachael. I told her and then started to breath again.

We then spent the 10 to 15 minutes discussing the practicalities of a hair style for someone who isn’t on Real Life Experience yet but who is (I’m not going to use the word out) openly starting to be themselves. I showed her the photo I use for profile and said I quite like this, but that I didn’t want to go completely to that style and colour yet out of consideration for my colleagues, who I would like to get used to small but significant changes a bit at a time. So that’s the way it’s going, in an ongoing over a few months sort of project.

Then feeling decidedly lifted by the experience I decided it was time to sort out my clothes for Monday, so home I trotted and assembled my minute wardrobe on the bed and decided on the skirt I swore I would never own a black top with lace sleeves, black opaque tights (My leg hair is out of control) and brown 1″ heeled knee boots

Thus decided I then set about with the slightly less pleasant aspects of my appearance.

Breast forms, hip pads and the dreaded tucking. I then dressed with more care than I ever have before (My attitude to this point has been, It’s not work, so can I get away with jeans trainers and a t-shirt)

I don’t have a full length mirror so I angled a bathroom mirror down, Wow! With the hip pads and a waist cincher I actually have a figure, from the side with the breast forms I actually thought I might be able to get away this.

And then I saw my face…….

Rachael

x

And A Happy New Year One And All…………

Tags

Coming Out, Shoes, Shopping, Transgender, Transition

A rather strange but not unpleasant festive period has been and gone, although generally I don’t partake in such things,as I much prefer the peace and tranquility and watching The Great Escape and Mary Poppins.

This year I did however, partake in the Boxing Day sales, albeit from the comfort of a sofa and the convenience of the internet.

From Long Tall Sally I purchased a denim Biker style jacket in mint size 20, a pair of lift and shape skinny jeans size 20, two tops also a size 20 one in a green hairy material that isn’t mohair and one bog ordinary in black and white and two pairs of boots size 11, one a riding style and the other a sort of suedey fleece lined long boot in grey

From Tall Girls I purchased a black leather bikers style jacket size 20 and two pairs of ankle boots both size 11, one with a 3.5 inch heel and one with a 3 inch heel.

Despite what the GIC may or may not want me to look like, I refuse to look like either Lilly Savage/ Ru Paul or Miss Marple, in fact I think I said in a much earlier post that the clothes I like are exactly the same as the clothes I wear but female.

Anyhow, success or failure? Both.

The suedy boots went back despite being incredibly comfortable, as it looked as though I may have started heading down a Captain Blood / Jack Sparrow route. One pair of ankle boots went back (3 inch heel) as they were two narrow.

Both jackets went back as I didn’t realise that I should have bought a size 22 to allow for wearing stuff underneath and the chest I haven’t yet got. The colour of the denim jacket didn’t suit me either, so no big deal there, but the leather jacket was fantastic but it was a sale item and they don’t have a 22 to replace it with 😦

The jeans went back because………. I’ve dropped another size and they were too big!! So sent back for an exchange with a pair of size 18’s 🙂

Now, I know that both these shops are not cheap but at 6′ 6″ I don’t have a lot of options, and on trying the clothes on I found that the proportions fit me perfectly if not the full item. For example, in mens clothes to get a jacket with the right arm length I have to get a stupid chest size generally 48-50″ so the jacket looks like a sack of s**te on me, trousers I struggle to find a pair with 40″ waist and a 36″” leg so I bought a 34″ leg and let the west hang round my backside. I buy XL jumpers in mens sizes to get the arm length,

Both jackets the arm length was good, jeans I can buy with a 36 or a 38″ leg and when my hips and backside reshape, will fill fit without too much adjustment or extra padding. And both tops fit perfectly and are in effect a size L. The boots…. (I am developing a thing for shoes) The riding style boots are comfortable but with no heel, the ankle boots with heels I love and I have no trouble walking in them, In fact I tend to walk more feminine in them naturally.

So next time I will actually go the shop to try on.

The other strange but very positive side to the festive period has been my relationship.

Not one single solitary cross word, no arguments. Nothing. I bought the clothes without my wife’s knowledge as I didn’t want to provoke any trouble, but in fact the opposite was true. She helped me try on the clothes, was very objective about which ones suited me and which ones didn’t told me how the clothes should fit and therefore which ones were the wrong size. Told me I should wear the shoes round the house to wear them in and to practice walking, but said that in general my posture and walk were good. She has also been helping me with my make up to a level whereby her daughter came round and didn’t even notice I was wearing any. (She did notice the boots, but didn’t laugh at me walking)

And to think that less than two months ago I thought things were that bad I would have to move out…

My Stepdaughter has offered to go shopping with me help me with make up etc on those occasions when  Mrs R isn’t able to or those times when it is too difficult psychologically for her to help.

Now a word of warning. Facebook has pretty much unilaterally decided to out me, granted it’s pretty late on that score apart from Work.

A day like any other got home from work when “ping” message from Facebook, check message It’s from the guy who sits opposite me in the office wishing me a Happy New Year but with a kiss. Strange, I thought he’s sent a PM to me by mistake and was just replying when it struck me. My phone is now set up to all Rachaels accounts and not my male accounts (I’m moving towards Rachael full time) Shit!!!!!!!!!! Oh Shit!!!!!!! and more Shit!!!!! busted.

I went into the office the next day wondering if anything would be said, publicly or just a comment privately or even snidely, nothing. Nothing for the rest of the week.

On the Saturday I had to find how he had sent me a message as my privacy settings are supposed to allow only friends to message me.

When I asked him if he often chatted to random strangers and how had he got my account his reply floored me. “You sent me a friend invite”

I bloody didn’t, nor did I send one to my Stepdaughter who also received a friend request from me.

My colleague doesn’t have an issue with me, (I came out to him) but we both think that I had better tell my boss sooner rather than later before Facebook does it again. My Stepdaughter already knows so no problem there. The best thing is that neither one of them recognised me from my profile piccy and both said I pass well, (Although I think they may not want to offend upset etc at the moment, so pinch of salt) but It’s made me feel good anyway and boosted the confidence somewhat.

But Facebook, bloody cheeky!!!

So 2014 ended well and 2015 has started well so at the moment I am one happy bunny

RK

xx

 

My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down………….

But if not actually upside down then very close.

I truly believe that the human brain is not meant to absorb so much from so little in so short a space of time. Well, mine isn’t anyway.

The next four or five weeks are now taken up with a series of appointments, with my Doctor, a Counsellor (Yep I’m finally getting seen) The Gender Clinic and the Vampires in Haematology, there may be more but without consulting all the various places I’ve set reminders I can’t be 100% sure. The Docs is the first one this week, for an anti-depressant review and to see if we can push anything along from outside of the Clinic

As far as the anti-depressant review goes I have already reduced my daily dosage of my own accord to no, (as far as I can tell) ill effects by a fifth of one med (Venalfaxine) and completely knocked of the other med (Mirtazipine)

My depression now feels as though it might be finally getting under control, and this I can only put down to my new-found acceptance of life.

My Psychology Degree officially started on the 4th October and I started about 3 hours ago, which is a bit late as my first assignment is due to be completed in three days time.

But still I’m not panicking as I know I can do it, but I really am going to have to develop the self-discipline to do the weeks work within the week its supposed to be done

Luckily I have this week off work to catch up and also finishing fitting the kitchen so it can’t really be classed as a holiday, but it’s not work work so it’s still a break.

My birthday came and went last week in flurry of apathy, the monotony of the day broken up by my step daughter leaving her husband  to come and stay with us (Unfinished kitchen and all), and me babysitting their daughter trying not to have to explain why they were living here now. (Although at the moment I’m not sure where they are living as some days they are here and others not. And considering the state of overload I’m really afraid to ask)

Now the above three subjects may well have contributed in no small measure to latest outbreak of hostilities between myself and Mrs. R.

I do spend a lot of time in front of the computer, I’m not a big fan of TV (No pun intended) and so I prefer to surf read or try to catch up with the anti-social media.

This can, it has to be said, stifle conversation. Thus leading to one of the accusations leveled against me. (Only partially guilty)

Her recent family issues will also be a major factor and the counselling service have still not offered her any sessions.

So this now brings me to my latest dilemma.

The rows are now becoming more frequent generally every two weeks, and the intensity of them is increasing due to I feel increased resentment from both sides. My resentment for not being able to be who I am and Her resentment for me wanting to be who I am.

The cooling off period is also increasing lasting anything up to 5 days of total non communication interspersed with insults or arguments.

Part of me now feels that I should maybe consider looking for somewhere to live before this breaks down irretrievably and we both end up hating each other, but then a part of me thinks that leaving would be a really shitty thing to do, considering Her sisters health and her daughters marital upheaval

I’m not planning on making any decisions until after I have spoken to the Doctor and the counsellor, as I’m maybe not looking at things in the right way and selfishly still putting my own feelings first, which is not how I want to do things.

I’m sure the right decision will happen at the right time, and at least my depression is still not trying to make a comeback.

Oh, I nearly forgot to say a big Thank you to

http://psychologistmimi.com and http://youaintspecial.wordpress.com who both nominated me for a Liebster Award.

I still haven’t got my head round this whole award thing yet, but I’m trying.

Anyway, if you haven’t already, go check out their blogs and tell ’em I sent you.

Ah well back to the books, and wait for the notice to tell me to remove the Ramones image for using it without permission.

Rachael

XX

 

Don’t Make Me Angry, You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry……………..

Tags

Facebook, Gullability, Identity Theft

Disclaimer. This  Is A Rant. Not A Comment On The Middle East.

 

This kind of shit really gets my back. This post is circulating on Facebook.

Now I’ve never been one to accept the news written or broadcast at face value, after all its about ratings and entertainment and very rarely about reality.

So when I see this I think “hey up! Somethings amiss here.”

Lets look at this logically, lets read the words. Sir David Attenborough is a Scientist Naturalist. He is incredibly well educated.

The first line “I am Unaware..” etc The grammar is bloody awful. Should the last bit be be “as THE Israelis

If it was me and I was educated proper, I would write

I am unaware of any animals (Plural) that are as cruel as Israelis.

or

I am unaware of any animal that is as cruel as the Israelis

Grammars not my strong point, but I believe both statements are correct, But I could be wrong. I often am.

And this “not even crocodiles” Please! (A grade / primary school statement)

I’m now getting really suspicious that this is possibly a fake.

The structure is terrible every sentence starting with “they”

But forget inability to construct a grammatically correct, well structured statement, the line “They kidnap kids and harvest their organs” just cracks me up.

Stating a “Fact” with no evidence. (Sounds like a 1970’s Metropolitan Police Fit Up)

Now what I did find with a cursory search were the following statements

“We are a plague on the Earth. It’s coming home to roost over the next 50 years or so. It’s not just climate change; it’s sheer space, places to grow food for this enormous horde. Either we limit our population growth or the natural world will do it for us, and the natural world is doing it for us right now,” Jan 2013 Daily Telegraph (Other sources are available)

Sorry I’m losing my train of thought here.

Oh and Sir David has stated that he doesn’t use email and has no social media accounts.

Anyway, the point is this, This is circulating as fact and gaining support.

What have we become when we sink to the levels of hi-jacking the identity of somebody, who I have not been able to find has made any overtly controversial political statements, to use as a political tool. And what have we become when as a supposedly educated generation of humans we just blindly accept this because it suits our own world views.

I’m all for freedom of the press, speech etc, but facebook is not journalism and in many cases is not even based in reality, yet so many of us are willing to accept social media as gospel while condemning legitimate media (if there truly is such a thing now) as right wing political tools or even left wing political tools (Equal opportunity blogger)

What’s the next level? Hi-jacking the Queen?

And yet again, my faith in the Human Species drops again.

Ok rant over.

RK

x

Well Bugger Me……….

Tags

Blogging, Inspiration

 

I really know what to say. No really I dont.

I have to start by Thanking (and this is not an understatement) the Amazing MSMonsterful and Her previous incarnation AZGringa (Thanks Jennifer, and thanks for the tutorial on using links) for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

I’m not sure how I inspire, but Thank You anyway.

Now to accept this you have to do the following……

1. Thank and link to the amazing person who nominated you.

MSMonsterful @ Fluff & Bunkum (I Love that name) Thank You Again

2. List the rules and display the award.

I think I’m doing this right

3. Share seven three facts about yourself. (Changed today by MSMonsterful @ Fluff & Bunkum) Thank You Again 😉

I play the guitar slightly less competently than your average meerkat (If I had any graphical capability I would insert a picture of such. But I don’t so you’ll have to imagine a guitar playing meerkat)

I play the bass marginally better (At least that’s what my Good Buddy Weiser used to tell me)

Oh and I’m a 6′ 5/6″ Transsexual (Without Heels) with a ridiculous nicotine habit.

 

4. Nominate 15  FIVE (5) other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated. (Again changed today by MSMonsterful @ Fluff & Bunkum) Thank You Again 😉

Now my Nominees (In no order) Are………..

1. WritingTheBody

2. Val South @ So Very Deep In The Closet

3. Kirsty @ Kirsty’s World

4. ILLICIT BY NATURE

5.Passing and Failing in Paradise

Because you all inspire me and you always seem to be there when I need you to be. Thank You

And because I can’t nominate my nominater, but I can nominate AZ Gringa @ Bleached Bone Valley (She’s upped sticks and moved to Fluff & Bunkum)

So That’s It.

It just remains for me to Thank you all again.

RK

X

 

This Will Move You………

This ended up on my Facebook wall via a JoAnn Purcell. Thank You

The Pit…. And The Pendulum…….

The Pit is where I am residing at the moment.

I feel in such a state of despair that I am beginning to doubt myself, my feelings, in fact I am beginning to doubt everything.

Following my last post I went to work away. I was away for 8 days and worked the grand sum of 120 hours, needless to say I finished that week absolutely shattered. While I was away I spoke to my wife every day, morning and night and normality seemed to prevail. The only gripe being the hours I was working and the time spent away from home.

The only time the subject of me being Transgender came was when my Wife told me she had been to see the Doctor. We share the same Doctor, so she knew what my Wife would be going through. It was not mentioned again.

When I arrived home, again normality prevailed and the atmosphere although not uncomfortable, was quiet. Wednesday was even quieter, and my Wife left for work while I took a rest day. That evening it started, not in a shouty way but accusations of me being selfish and unreasonable were made, as was the accusation that I had dropped my bombshell deliberately just before going of to work away. I also had every answer that I had given her twisted round and thrown back at me.

The following day we went back to being quiet and avoiding the elephant. (The Pendulum). And thus has it been since.

With the lack of conversation I do now find myself wondering If I am indeed being selfish and unreasonable, (a question I have asked on a Forum I am a member of), and despite positive replies, I just can’t shake the feelings that I am in the wrong and should maybe give up this “daft notion” of becoming the real me just to keep everybody else happy.

Now, about a month ago I got a call from the Doc about my white cell count being up. She referred me to Vampires, and off I duly trotted for another round of blood tests. Come back in three weeks they said. So I did, today. The results? No apparent infection and the white counts still way up. So the Vampire packs me straight off for a chest X-Ray, (probably on the basis of my (present) ridiculously high tobacco usage (still between two and three packs a day)), books me for an ultrasound and tells me to come back in two months for some more blood tests and a bone marrow test.

Now for me I really don’t see a positive side to this, I think that whatever the results I’m likely to get bumped from the gender clinic, this in turn means that my depression is likely to return with attitude demanding compensation for being shunted for a brief period.

For my wife, apart from the depression returning, the above is likely to be a positive, as she gets to keep living with a “normal” human being.

If it’s serious I reckon I’ll refuse treatment and go for suicide by natural causes. I really am losing the strength to keep fighting.

Rational thought is on its way out again.

RK

x

Writing Opportunity for Trans Folk