Category Archives: Random Thoughts

And They’re Off………………..

01 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in A Journey Of A Thousand Miles Starts With A Single Step, Random Thoughts, The Past Becomes The Present Becomes The Future

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As My appointment draws ever closer, my brain, body and time itself all seem to merging into one confusing mess. I used the term “Surreal Normality” yesterday to describe the hair appointment experience, and I have the same feelings today, it’s almost as if my two personalities are starting to line up for the final conflict.

Mentally I am ready, I now no longer regard myself as Roy, he sits there quietly waiting for the end, clinging to the hope that, in his mind, this madness will end. It won’t. As I said, seeing me yesterday with new hair, that was just wrong with my appearance. The hair was right. It was everything else that was wrong. Seeing my partial reflection in the rear view mirror, seeing Me, seeing the woman. He wasn’t there. Buying the mirror, my mirror, the very item I despise because He was always looking out at me. He doesn’t look out of this one. He’s not there.

He still clings to the hope that His clothes will be his salvation. As long as he makes me wear them he still retains some control. Tomorrow will see the end of that control and he knows it.

After tomorrow, the choice of clothing will be mine. Be it male or female or whether it’s for me or out of consideration for the people still not quite used to who I am. But the choice will be mine, NOT His.

Time. I have a perception of time moving incredibly slowly, yet each time I look at the clock I have lost another hour. Is he clinging on to every second, knowing that today is His last day?.

I keep reading other people’s experiences, and their big moments, and wondered why I hadn’t had the big moment. Everything seemed so normal to me ,as if this is how it should be, no drama, no fanfare, just a quiet resignation that another step forward had been taken.

I think tomorrow is my big moment. Regardless of the outcome at the Clinic, I realise that my mental transition is complete, and the physical transition is beginning.

My emotions, rather than being of excitement or nerves  are filled with a sadness.

Sadness at the thought, that He will be gone. I have no regrets or hesitation as to my pathway or choices, but without Him, would I have had the strength to get this far? He has, after all, been the dominant part of my life for the 36 years of this journey. I look back now and ask myself, did he suppress me or did he protect me? And in all honesty I can’t answer that. And I don’t think I would really want to know the answer.

I believe that somewhere in the Bible there is a passage about dying in order to live. Maybe Romans or Acts, but not being of the overly religious persuasion I would probably misquote it or use it in entirely the wrong context. But the line I have in my head is;

“In order to Live, we must first Die”, on the face of it quite a morbid line, but for me, regardless of His contribution to this Journey, He has to go. In order for Rachael to live Roy has to die, and any death is sad.

And so at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning I will be at the starting gate.

Sheffield, 11 O’clock And they’re off……….

Rachael

xx

Ooops Forgot The Title………

22 Sunday Feb 2015

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This post has been inspired in part by the following blogs

Hannah’s Thinking Again and  SO VERY DEEP (IN THE CLOSET)

If you haven’t read these blogs I highly recommend that you do.

The first part  is just a link to a very well written piece  on myths and misconceptions about Transgender Women.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2012/11/13-myths-and-misconceptions-about-trans-women/

Written By Natalie Reed in November 2012

Maybe not everyone will agree with it, but it’s worth a read

My next bit may fall into a bit of rant (Don’t think I’ve had one for a while), I think it may certainly be a bit controversial, but I feel I have to say something.

During the past week I visited a Transgender chat room, forum site. I don’t normally bother, but I recently, despite the support I have, I have felt the need to try to reach out to others in a similar situation as myself. I know this was stupid, and I’ll get to why I know in a while.

Anyway, there I was lurking and waiting for someone to say Hi, (I find it difficult to take the first step). I got the first Hi and started a private chat, now I don’t know whether I was chatting to a Transsexual, a Transvestite or a Cross Dresser and to be honest I don’t care, we are all in a similar situation and can in some way offer help and support.

So, there I was discussing my own situation with regards to the GIC and how I felt that I was being made to work to their timetable or risk being on an extended assessment.

I made the following comment, one that I may have used in one of my posts “I will play their games and I will jump through their hoops”

I got such a bollocking. “It’s not a game, it’s really serious” etc but the best one “If you can’t take it seriously, do you think you should really be getting help, are you actually ready?”

I cut off the conversation without a reply.

The reason it annoyed me so much was that in the past year, nowhere have I seen a document that decrees how you should approach accepting/being Transgender. I have spent over thirty years feeling like a freak, depressed, being in denial, and now I know who I am I feel comfortable using humour. I use the terms game playing and hoop jumping as a way of saying that I know what I want and I’ll do whatever it takes.

The flip side of this attitude, is that, in order to escape “androgyny” as requested for my next appointment, and having said I would not go down the skirt/dress route of attire, I found myself looking at the aforementioned articles. Not only looking at, but I bought a skirt, because, while struggling to find something to wear, I was hit by a revelation.

I Want To Be Feminine!!!

I ran from the concept because of my height and although I’m a woman, I was still worried about presenting as a freakish caricature of femininity. I now realise, that thinking in that way, I am still keeping myself in a closet, or more like a publicly viewable cage and to a point being kept in my place by a set of archaic gender norms.

I’m not prepared to do that. I don’t want to look like Lily Savage or Ru Paul (No offence meant to any Drag Artists), but I do want to be able to wear a skirt and heels if I choose, I want to be able to wear shorts in Summer. In short I want to feel free to be myself inside and outside.

I said earlier. that I had stopped frequenting chat rooms and forums as much recently. And the reason is because of the type of attitude that resulted in my “reprimand”. I haven’t been out as Rachael yet not because I’m scared or I’m not ready mentally, it’s just that an appropriate occasion with an appropriate companion hasn’t arisen. But in some quarters this can be seen as…. well it appears to be looked down on.

The best way I can appropriate this attitude, And I am generalizing here, but I have seen this showing through in some forum postings

John Cleese & The Two Ronnies – Class

Now mentally I want you to substitute the terms Upper Class, Middle Class and Working Class for the terms Transsexual, Transvestite and Cross Dresser respectively.

Again this is not my opinion, just an observation of a quite destructive attitude that I have seen on various “Trans” sites, and hence I want no part of a community that contains any trace of snobbery or bigotry in a community that already suffers a disproportionate amount of prejudice from society in general.

I’m not saying I want to disassociate myself from the Transgender community, just from participating in the online community.

The other reason, I am having an issue with the online community, is that while the internet has been great for Transgender People, with an ease of access to so much information that can help with the transition process, there are also people, as there are in the CIS world (Another Term I dislike – We want to be equal yet we differentiate. Why?) Who have been there done it and bought the T-Shirt and who are always right.

Now I though at my age I could judge quite well, when I moved to Spain I had a similar thing with the expat community telling me how to deal with the Spanish Beurocracy, I said thank you but I’ll find things out in my way. It worked for me and showed me that there are a lot of people who really shouldn’t give advice. My brain unfortunately completely shut out this knowledge when I started this journey. I was lucky though I had people telling me I was being a dick and whatever was causing it I should stop doing so I did. But for younger or people less sure of themselves it could prove quite damaging.

Again this is not a criticism of the Transgender Community or of Transgender people, just an observation that not everything found online is beneficial, at least it wasn’t for me. If I have offended anybody, sorry it wasn’t my intention, and my ability with words is somewhat Northern and can be therefore classed as blunt.

That’s it soap box is away again.

And on a final note for now.

After yesterday, chest is still in agony and the next wave of hair is showing through. Going to have to do it tonight, OOOOWWWWW!!!!

Once again Thanks To Val for reminding me that random thoughts are valid and to Hannah for showing me that sometimes even the smallest thing can in reality be quite a large step forward.

Rachael

xx

Go Figure…..

16 Thursday Oct 2014

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While taking a pre-bed shower, I looked at the range of newly purchased skin care products. And laughed, well Ok I smiled.
Why? you may or may not be asking.
It’s not unusual for women to purchase skin care, so what is so odd about me?
The last month has been a bit vague, but I remembered the day I bought them. I trundled down to Boots with the intention of buying them, and, bearing in mind that I have had face to face conversations with the make up girls and bought make up, without using the internet.
This should be a doddle I thought.
I then remember spending a good five minutes sidling suspiciously around the womens skin care section before losing my nerve and embarrasedly grabbing the male equivalents paying and dashing off with what I thought was a bright red face.
No trouble buying make-up, but moisturiser? that was scary!
Go figure…….
Rachael
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Time Flies Like An Arrow, Fruit Flies Like A Banana…………

05 Sunday Oct 2014

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I appear to have lost a considerable amount of time, I have no Idea where it’s gone, only that it has gone.

During that time I have accumulated a vast amount of posts to read.

I appear to be struggling to write, in fact it has taken me three attempts, just to get to this point.

It’s been quite an emotional month, very little appears to have happened but the events seem to have been quite tumultuous (Is that even a real word?)

I’m not really sure where to begin, and I’m (Yes I really did stop writing mid sentence and leave it 24 hours)

Day 4
As the above proves my brain really doesn’t seem able to focus for very long.
However, (Again I just wander off for a few hours mid sentence)

I’ll try a list and then go through each item in turn and see if that helps.

1) World War III erupted again, and the outcome is uncertain.

2) My GP is just the best

3) Body hair vs Agent Orange

4) Waiting Lists

5) Make Up, Weight Loss & Clothes

6) Work & Education

7) My Family & Other Animals

Here we go then, No 1 and WWIII, I have no idea how it started this time, there was no alcohol involved, although I think it may have started building up during the time I have been working away.

What actually kicked it off.. No Idea. But it was bad. The immediate result was absolutely no communication for four days, not a single utterance.

When we did start talking again, it has pretty much been decided while not actually being said that we will now live together amicably until such a time as is practical to separate.

So now we co-exist in a state of co-existence. Other factors are playing their part, but more of those later in the list. And the future is uncertain.

No 2 My GP is just the best. (This is now Day 6)

After my attempt at de-forestation and pretty much instant grow back I went to my Docs. The theory being that having read through the various protocols I found that my GP may prescribe hormones on the basis of mental distress.

Not being an Endocrinologist she said that she would contact the GIC to get some advice, but did agree that the with the speed of my hair regrowth I couldn’t really move forward with transition until I had got that under control, and that laser treatment would be better suited after I had started on hormones.

The response She got from the GIC seemed to hack her off somewhat as all they did was to point her in the direction of the protocols and standards of care we had already discussed. As she said they seem to provide these alternatives without actually making them accessible to GP’s.

Outcome. The practice is going to start my hormone treatment, but as there isn’t the expertise at the practice to oversee it they will have to get help from outside, she has also stressed that funding isn’t an issue as it’s in the best interest of my health. She also stresses that it would not be a quick start as they needed to be sure that everything was being done correctly, however it would be quicker than waiting for the GIC (Who she really doesn’t seem to be impressed with)

I think I will also try to get some of the other treatments through my Doctor as well, as it appears that I won’t even get through the door of the GIC until at least next February and then I will have a further three to six months of assessments before I start any treatment with them.

No 3 Body hair vs Agent Orange

Went for the full defoliation treatment, managed it with one tube this time so an improvement on the last attempt, you may remember I managed one upper leg and one cheek on my backside. No problems this whole body one tube done. Great!

Slight problem though I wear short-sleeved shirts for work so have deliberately avoided doing my lower arms. Got a bit carried away, so when I say whole body I mean whole body, yep even there. Good job I got the sensitive skin variety.

24 Hrs later….. Why did I bother?

Everywhere looked like I had been sand blasted with coal dust. Which going back to No 2 on the list is another reason the Doc is being helpful, I need to reduce hair regrowth, to try to reduce my ongoing mental distress.

No 4 Waiting Lists

Enough said according to my Doc the waiting list is 51 weeks no negotiation, deal with it. I am, with the help of my amazing GP.

No 5 Make Up, Weight Loss & Clothes

Practicing the make up although not as much as I would like, doing these things are still a bit strange indoors.

The weight loss is going OK, I have now lost 10Kg or 22ibs only another 30Kg or 66ibs to go, but I seem to be dropping around 2Kg 4.4ibs a week without going to the gym so I have plenty of room for improvement there.

Still not going to buy any clothes yet as I want to get a lot closer to my target weight  so I don’t have to buy again, and until I can control the shrubbery I wouldn’t feel particularly comfortable anyway. Everything in its own time I guess.

In another by the by I had a problem with a tooth, so I went to my Doctors as I didn’t have a dentist, and the pain was getting excruciating. I got pain killers and antibiotics.

Job Done, but thought I’d try to get a dentist to have a look. The infection in the tooth was that bad they took it out straight away rather than wait for the infection to go down,

Then the bastards still made me go into work. Wasn’t happy.

Then to cap it all off after ten days on the antibiotics I stated a reaction to them and spent all last Thursday, Friday and Saturday scratching and looking like the elephant man. A trip to A&E, (never a quick excursion) and I left with a prescription for anti histamines. Job done, itching stopped, lumpy skin back to normal-ish.

No 6 Work & Education

I’m not enjoying work at the moment, I’m not enjoying engineering, I don’t know whether this is due to me having no time off since February and being absolutely shattered or whether it is due to me feeling a sense that coming out at work will prove to be less than good. I have no evidence to support these feelings it’s purely a gut feeling, but that has served me well over the years. Or maybe I’m over analysing due to being tired.

Anyway I’ve booked a week off soon just to try to recharge, so things may become a little clearer.

And now the irony, I finally got the funding through for my Psychology Degree and I’ve registered for my first module.

How the hell can I manage a degree when its taken me nearly a week to focus enough to write this. The phrase “Screwed before I start” springs to mind. Hey Ho!

And finally My Family & Other Animals

My parents still won’t accept my wishes and try to communicate directly. I am not ready for that yet, I communicate with my sister, who has just been hospitalised with some trouble breathing and my sister-in-law has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, which when all said and done puts the rest of this post into the shade.

These are worrying times but my own problems are at worst a minor inconvenience that I need to focus on to get through.

And finally finally, six days to write this, seriously, I need to get a grip.

RK

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